Suckle Me This

I’m still teaching in Japan.

I’m even seeing a woman. She’s a doctor, she’s a PYT, and her hair is shoulder-length. The only reason I’m throwing out these details is to impress you. I won’t even tell you whether or not she’s Japanese, and I won’t tell you her age or hobbies. That gives you some idea about how secretive I am. But I will tell you that we had this conversation the other day:

I said, “Well, you know, if I ever get sick, you’re the first one I’m coming to.”

She said, “But I am gynecologist.”

This is probably the most difficult sentence in the world to offer a rejoinder to, so I just pretended to become curious about the atmosphere of the coffee shop we were in. I looked over at the elderly lady sitting near us who was sipping tea and making extensive notes. Hopefully she was working on a haiku.

I’ve moved out of my crappy old apartment. It was surrounded by bars and noisy as hell at night. I felt like I was becoming unhinged. Do you know what it feels like to lie in bed, night after night until 3 or 4 in the morning, and fight for sleep against the sounds of a drunken Asian man belting out karaoke versions of Joan Jett and her Blackhearts? You’ll end up throttling your pillow as a stand-in Asian fellow while whispering sweet nothings like, “You fucking little shit!...FUCKING. LITTLE. SHIT!!!! FUCKI-LIL-SHIT!!!” Other reasons the apartment was bad include (but are by no means limited to) the trickle-down stain of blood from the previous tenant on the wall (but is it art?), and the fact that there was never any sunlight. You wouldn’t be wrong to say that I turned into a vampire during this period.

It was a time when I became very hostile towards all things Japanese. I stopped reviewing my vocabulary flash cards, and I even tried to tear my copy of Tale of the Genji in half, but the spine was too thick so, enraged at my own impotence, I tore up Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men instead.

Now I live in an apartment on the other side of town. I'm on a quiet, shady street, within walking distance of my school. I live beside a shrine where there is a tree that is rumored to have unearthly, magical powers. As local legend has it, if you touch the tree, you will be given vast stores of energy. I guess we’ll have to see. I haven’t touched it yet, but I totally will dude! That is definitely on my to-do list. Maybe I’ll even make a day out of it.

There’s no need to go rambling on. Thanks to those of you who are still tuning in (but not thank you to the person who said I might be dead). There will come a time in the near future when regular posts begin again, but we all need a break sometimes.

And if you have a bit more free time, why not look at this picture of an authentic Japanese “suckle room”?